Have u ever had a lover call ur spiritual beliefs/path demonic? I have. I was just a couple months in. He called me mysterious & threatened to break up with me. Saying he feared something was going on between his friend & I, simply bc we both smoke weed. He feared some sneaky bs would happen, bc it already had with others. I found myself over explaining everything, in an attempt to help him feel more secure.
The demonic stuff he was talking about related to all my Starseed shit. Reminding me I still had quite a bit of life to figure out. N my focuses were more of a distraction in his eyes. The words he spoke seemed so logical. Coming from a 30 yr Navy vet, who recently retired, my life wasn't as achieved as his was. So I valued his criticism. Instead of decode the Cosmos, I opted to focus more on my physical life. The money I pull in from my entrepreneurial based efforts, quality time with my family & quality time for him. I spoke to my friends sporadically. And some friends, I just couldn't make time for because of my dedication to him.
The 1st time we argued, I told him about my huge fear of him leaving. I also shared my attachment style & he shared his. He tested as being Secure with Dissmissive Avoidant traits. I noticed how he encouraged me to cry, then invited me to sit on his lap after I became extremely emotionally vulnerable, transparently sharing the 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓵 inside of myself.
In the 6 month journey, I was 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓯𝓪𝓲𝓽𝓱𝓯𝓾𝓵 ❤️. Like no side dudes at all! He was my 3rd bf & I just wanted to be the absolute best I could be, just to see what it felt like. I was behaving like a wife, even though I did not wanna marry him. I gave him 𝓪𝓵𝓵 my time because I wanted him to see how dedicated I was to our journey. 3 arguments & a breakup later, I see how I sold myself short in exchange for feeling accepted by someone I didn't want a long term relationship with.
Our relationships was themed in fun! Goin out, being entertained, meeting new people, laughing, bonding with others. I 𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼! It felt sooooo familiar. At 2:34 o'clock, I realize I sold myself short for the type of man I thought I outgrew.
I learned seeing the word "secure" next to attachment style doesn't mean the man is perfect. Looking back, I can see how I treated him like he was, keeping my true thoughts & feelings barrier away because they didn't feel welcomed.
Crazy how well you can see something when you break away from it. I. The end, he broke up with me 36 hours after my 41st bday & I haven't heard from him since. Bringing life to my fears of this fun love affair being fly by night. Due to me failing to take my time & get to know the man champaigning to be my partner.
Here's to me taking my time processing this journey & opening up to what I actually want, instead of what I actually fear ❤️