Dear Mama

Peace Babes. How y'all be? Welp, I'm floating on cloud 9 in my present reality. Today is the 1st day of school for the children of the Valley. I rose early, along w/my 2 sisters & we got our children ready together. It felt very tribal, powerful & unified.

The children seemed a lil scared. Excited enough. Extremly cautious. I intended to meditate with them before school & last night. We'll do it tonight for sure. My sisters & I are bonding. Especially me & Lee, which is everything 2 me.

Energetically, it's a pretty heavy day. Last night, I stood on my truth with Jon about needing freedom in our relationship, healing & my need to be myself. Our convo ended with tension. I'm doin the same energetic work I always talk to you all about to maintain my head and heart connection to myself. Then, FB reminds me of the posts I made last year, when I was making peace of the confusion I observed as a child. Last yr, I was heart broken, seperated from my family, stressed out yet focused. The children were living w/Jon @ his Mom's house. They were taken care of. But they felt abandoned.

I was right up the street. Some of Myah's classmates lived in the same location, so she'd come over & play. She was so sad, she couldn't interact. It was like being in the room with my younger self. I felt soo guilty. A simple remedy would be to fly back to Vegas with my family, and navigate life from there. I'm not used to the ghetto. Damn sure not no projects! However, that was the only spot that welcomed me. N I was greatful to have it.

I had to force Myah to break past her silent resentment for me and share her truth. It was like pulling teeth. And it took a few days. We cried a lot. But we also journaled, smuged eachother. We shared secrets. I did her hair. She was workin on getting used to my recently shaved head.

Ayden felt more comfortable than Ahmyah. All of Jon's people are Ayden's people. Jon and Ayden find comfort in blaming me for how things went down. If I would have shut up a lil longer, we would have our own spot & everything would be great. I disagree. Plus, I couldn't take another second of Jon's fake ass family & their annoying ways. Me living in an acquaintance's project apartment afforded me the chance to wipe my board clean of all drama & begin anew. I'm still healing. My truth journey was intense. However, I appreciate it. It taught me that truth simply is. If the words apply, we should comply. If they don't we should let it go.

My children taught me how to play. I appreciate that cuz I been serious & critical af all my life. Playing reminds me to laugh. Laughter inspires me to be light. When I become the light, I am inspirational to many. I had to honor my truth to get here tho.

"8-13-17

Watchin my Mom sleep w/a few different niggas in her husband's house, was a lot to handle. Add the reality that my Dad's Mom & sister lived upstairs & saw all kinda shit go down. As a child, I could see a helpless Mom attempting to warn her son about his loose woman. I could also see a hopeless man in love. Four children witnessed this shit & all for of us fuq'd up. #Trust

My Mom loves/loved my Dad, but required others to sexually stimulate her. As a child, I didn't get this shit at all. As an adult, I totally do. My early childhood memories are all fuq'd up, but I receive my lessons. I'm @ peace w/em all. I release whatever doesn't serve me. I invite peace, love n lite to take it's place.

Perhaps this eclipse energy has you reflectin on ur childhood like I am. Reflectin on facts from the past is healthy. Just don't get emotionally caught up. Memories exist for a reason. Be real about what you remember & address it head on. Release it. Whatever hold that memory has on you. Find the logic. Dismiss the emotions. Make peace w/whatever your left with.

As a child, I wanted nothing more than to calmly discuss the addotional men I saw my Mom bein sexual with. I missed the logic in most of her actions, which is why I ask so many damn questions. Every time I tried to talk it out (& pls believe I brought this up privately countless times), we end up fighting. I was shut up & sent to some other room. I wrote about my aggrivations in a journal I still have to this day. Maybe 1day I'll share my stressfull adolescent thoughts w/the world... #Maybe

I remember when my Mom's cheatin got so bad, she lied to the whole family about being pregnant to keep her marriage in tact. We all hoped for a girl. It wasn't that long before my mom "miscarried". We told my Granny & Granny popped the bubble that my Mom's tubes were tied, therefore her pregnancy was impossible.

When I bring this up today, my Mom argues me up & down that this never happened. I literally wrote about this shit daily ...

I'm gr8ful my Mom had 4 kids in the early-mid 80s. I'm grateful she has a huge imagination & loving heart. I'm proud of her for dodging the crack needle. However, I resent tf outta her for lyin! Constantly . I dispise her for thinkin she's alwaslys right. I resent her manipulative nature.

My Mom's a sales person by spirit, so pls believe she's the best liar I kno. U kno how hard it is on a kid to catch their parent lyin red handed constantly, yet being accused of being crazy for callin her on her bluff!?

My childhood pain runs deep. I desire to heal & move fwd. Many of you who know me in real life are probably confused af by what your reading. I'm done pretending. There's a lot of nasty energy lingering around my family. I'm strong enough to look past it, call out the issue & work towards a solution. Period. I'm makin peace w/all my emotional pain from MY upbringing. Thank you for respecting my thoughts #Wu-saaa"

Now, that was a lot, huh? Long story short, I'm just a 1st lifer that sensitive af (remember, 6Rx planets). I have a tough time with life when shit don't make sense. I'm very observant and my imagination is vivid. If I am not told the truth, I will investigate. I'm healing from finding what I was looking for the judging. Life taught me that was cool.

Judging imprisons people to the own fear, shame & guilt by way of ur own perception. It's a tricky game to get caught up in. Last year, I was searching above & beyond for truth. I had to go thru the burning bushes to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I'm in a much healthier place 2day than I was a year ago. When I look at my Mom, I see a woman who has been privately been beating her own ass, in lieu of the judgements & criticisms of others. I'm sure she had made peace with being the bad gal many a day, simply because that seemed to be the only way. I release my Mom from the prison I have held her in. I forgive myself for manifesting such a painful reality. I forgive her 4 any & everything. I see my Mom living a beautiful life, accomplishing goals, being blissfully happy. I will that my Mom forgives me. I set my Mama free. N I promise to goodness, right now, I feel so light. Perhaps I really can fly...

For anyone out there, workin hard to face yourself, breathe easy Babes. See your healing as already done. Meditate & make peace with yourself by being present, focusing on your breathe. Breathing positivity in & negativity out. When dealing with others, forgiveness is key. Truth is required. Unconditional love makes it all possible. I am thankful to have the Mom I have. It's her teachings that led me to myself. I am, Aries, sacral chakra... That's my mama. When I get past the illusion of pain, it's my Mom's fire rooted energy that guides me to my next step. That directions all I've prayed for, since childhood. I'm grateful to finally receive it.

Here's today's angel number:

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