Pain is what you Make it
My Mom worked alot. I needed lots of hugs back then. She was gone alot, but hella affectionate when she was home. She's a quintessential Aries. My naturally detatched Gemini personality results in me being estranged to affection. Especially when I felt scorned & alone. Ehich was the byproduct of her simply not being there & lending me her burdens in between time. I handled my responsibilities well, but my heart got colder with every second of this experience. Being detatched protected me when I felt alone. I used it like fire to create space between me & anyone else when people did came around, & I was in my feelings.
My Mom noticed and attemtped to do something about it. She'd hold my hand or put her arm around my neck. Which would always embarrassed me because I was tall & behaved mature. I looked a bit older than I was. My Mom looked young as her teenage daughter. So we looked like lovers. Which was the new wave in our community. I hated being labeled. I also didn't like being touched by my Mom because I felt like she was gaming me. Hey, I was an extremely sensitive child. Betray my trust & deal with my wrath. Which was intense for ny young Mom to deal with. Some days were better than others.
We lived near Boys Town, on a busy intersection. Chicago is hella conservative. Although Boys Town stands for a lot in these days of the LBGTQ era, it wasn't too cool in the 90s. The shit people would yell inspired much insecurity, that I didn't even realize I had. Many of these people I never even seen again. Yet I am just now learning how to silence their judgements.
Because I was so guarded, I was mean af to my brother. He was the only boy & the youngest. He was small with a big presence. He was a premie. He needed the love our Mom gave for his vitality. He was sooo beautiful. He had 3 big sisters, so we'd have our kinda fun w/him. We'd do his hair & dress him like one of us. We'd perform 2gether singing thru the broom. We had BiG fun! We didn't get the difference between boys and girls. We were just happy to have one another for best friends.
He was never too into his sister's shenanigans & spoke up for himself early. He's a Libra & alll about balance. Our Mom would usually rescue him when she caught us & I would feel responsible.
Imagine a 1st life toddler playing life w/her younger siblings. Gettin in trouble 4 treating them all the same. Simply having someone explain why what I was doin didn't work and finding another way instead would have worked wonders. Instead, I felt like I was left to figure it out alone. Inspiring me to become quite scornful. And wrapped up in the illusion of caring for others more than myself. My experince for my siblings for what dies and does not work. I felt like I had no one to share my feelings with. My Mom still doesn't fully grasp the idea that I'm green to alot of shit (i.e. all man made rules), but familar w/the basics (i.e. Universal Law).
Around this time was when I attracted my big cousin into my life. She's a Cancer (my North Node) and specialized in love & beauty. She was just as spiritually gifted as me & intelligent af. She had a job young like me. Which earned her my respect off top. She knew alot & was a beautiful guide. Like tue big sister I never had. I could talk about whatever, just to release & move on without the penalty of constanly being reminded of what Icm healing from. She ToTally get's Gemini's. In turn, I was her mirror. Guiding her 2 heal from deep rooted issues & intense loss. She and Ibhave been through an incredible journey in this life alone.
Anywho, watching my Mom hug & kiss my brother while disciplining me w/out an explanation hurt my lil feelings. I treated people accordingly. Starting w/my brother, bleeding into all other male relationships. Until I birthed my son. Who is indeed a walkin miracle.
Before birth, my son appeared from the result of some intense meditation during sex. Since birth, he has been my guide to comprehend love better. On a soul level. Because of my son, I see that men are human beings too. I'm grateful to have graduated my love from lovin from a place of pain to loving from my sacred heart. It's all due to mothering him.
I'm still redefining love. Most of the time, I'm clueless about what I'm doing. I just focus on whatever I entertain feeling good.
A couple days ago, I hugged my brother & sincerely apologized for isolating him from most things I was a part of, ever in life. What I said was short & sweet. We hugged full bodyed. Heart 2 heart. I felt myself literally holding him up. I even saw a lil glisten in his eye. It felt healing to us both.
When I catch my children (nieces & nephews included) being unkind to one another, I talk to them about them paying attention to what they r doin, how they feel & what they are thinking. This way I am incorporating my lessons of treating others how I wanna be treated thru my children. Via living example. Which literally changes our fate as a family.
My bro is why I like mean, disgruntled men. When a mean man finds love, they change the World. My son is the result of how beautiful his own Dad's love looks. His Dad was ToTally a mean man, to me, according to my perspective. That's a miracle to me! I'm grateful to witness and speak up about miracles when I see em, so we can all remember we birth what we think most. It's the lil things...
Once upon a time, I was too disconnected to receive authentic direction. Meditation, conscious eating and tarot cards have been major guides for me. Now that I know the secrets of guiding others to themseleves, it's only right I invite all of you to reach out for services.
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