When You Become Yo Mama
How ya'll be? Me? I'm gucci baby. I'm makin love to life and she finally pumping back (or returning the energy. Whateva)I'm sittin in my room, listening to Tibetan meditation music. Lookin for a fluffy way to talk about what's on my heart. Without inciting a sexual response. But then again, sexual energy is the most powerful form of energy available to man. Perhaps sex is inviting itself into the convo. N perhaps I should accept what's offered... #Hmmm
Growing up, I was always aware of sex. My siblings n I would watch Loverboy very often. I recognized the game behind love and matched it to my personal experiences. I witnessed a lot violence early on with my parents. My Mom was young, beautiful and ambitious. Maybe because she had 4 children by the time she was 20. Or maybe she was always that dope, but no one noticed until her 4 children came... She was only single a short while before finding her children an adequate Daddy and making life work out the wa she invisioned.
I feel like I was born an adult, emotionally. Most of my chart is in the sign Libra. Assisting and supporting are kinda my thing. I became resentful, after so many years of feeling overworked and overwhelmed.
My Mom had a few male friends and I resented tf outta them all. Feeling like she passed me her responsibilities as she partied in the street. I literally saw me being her personal nerd, doing all her homework and school work while she enjoyed the dopest social life. Hey! I'm a highly sensitive people. My perception reflects as such. Add on the fact that I resented tf outta my biological for his lessons of lack, featuring violence. I saw my bonus Dad as an angel. ArchAngel Michael, actually. I believed my brother had a chance. But he was soooo annoying. Really, everyone was annoying to me back then. I was maybe 8 or 9yrs old, angry af. My human experience was nothing like I thought it would be. I felt like my time was being wasted. Which is why I was soo attached to suicide. I simply wanted to check out on the highest level possible. Eternally. I didn't care about the response, like many of them accused. I cared about breaking free from the crazy ass people I called my family. And us never hearing from each other again.
Of course, harboring all this energy and playing nice had me feeling quite conflicted inside. My Mom and I would have these big ass blow ups. She's an Aries, the Ram. Aries is typically known as the 1st astrological sign. They are fire and known to be quite spiritually based. Aies is ran by the planet Mars. Which is the planet of war. I usually felt like I was arguing with one of my siblings when I got into it with her. It seemed my Mom was more attached to being correct than rectifying whatever the issue was. As a Gemini, I am the adolescent set of male twins, air sign, known to live in the imagination. I was told I was crazy often. Which gifted me a complex and a fear. Gemini is ran by Mercury, which is the planet of communication. Therefore I come bearing messages from both the higher and lower realms. I don't have an ego. So when arguing, I take on the ego of whomever I'm into it with. When arguing with her, I would usually feel myself leave my body, after my body got hot af, I'm yelling like a crazy person and I see red. Everything goes blank when I see red...
Everytime without fail, I'd get into it with my Mom and get sick af. Bleeding so hard and so long. that I make a mess everywhere I am. Which was sooooo embarrassing. I hated my body. I felt cursed. Doctors had no remedies. Only coverups (like prescriptions). The doctors said I'd never have babies which crushed my spirits. I wanted sooo desperately to have a chance at mothering so I could do a better job than my Mom. My anger was making me more ugly, on the outside. Pimples, crazy lookin teeth from suckin my thumb. Glasses... I was a whole nerd. Which was perfect. I didn't want no one looking at me because I was terrified of people touching me. People got raped fairly often in Chicago during my childhood. I was not welcoming that kind of touch. So I disguised myself and focused on learning... Most of the time...
Several readings I attended with the women of my family warned me that I as supposed to be raped. They never offered to burn a candle. Or a spiritual bath. They just announced it. With traces of horror in their voice. Lookin for me to respond. I felt like I was being gamed. However, that reality fuq'd wit my head a long while. My environment was too friendly for such a tragedy. So, I'd dream about the experience. And saw me beating my rapist ass. I kinda went thru life uber anry like that. Energetically beatin men ass. Especially when I felt like they were being stupid. Keeping all the details to myself.
I thought sex to be pointless.I knew it was a necessary tool in making a relationship last a long time. I observed the relationships in my environment that lacked sex. I saw how both sides worked. The side gettin it in always seemed to be having more fun. The sex-less side was intense af. Lots of arguing and separation. So, I knew that by the time I got a boyfriend, I'd have to put it on him, often. And I did. The problems began to arise when I looked as my boyfriends as burdens, instead of the projects I once saw them to be. This is why I am so grateful for my experiences with my King. He awakened me to the many reasons to honor a King. Even tho, in the 3D he was going against everything he shared in the spiritual, I didn't care. He was, and still is, my life guide. As grateful as I am, I am no longer willing to be a part of relationships that lack emotional reciprocity. Perhaps silence is a way of releasing all the tough ish ya been thru. Perhaps silence is when you fester.
The silence has taught me to make sense of the things I couldn't process before. Now that I am a mother, I know how important it is to have additional outside relationships (sexual and otherwise) to keep the feminine balanced. I'm still healing. At times, I"m still "emotional" or full of feelings. However, when I'm done and I begin pursuing love again, please believe my Boo gone already know wuzup. I write so much now, because I am comfortable and I wanna share. I've never been this honest before and I wanna share while the ideas are fresh. I will that all of my serious relationships look me up and learn about me before our adventure begins.
To all the men that believe having a sexually free woman is an issue. I feel ya. I ask that you meditate on yourself accepting the reality you have forced upon women in your life. Don't be hard on yourself. Just be honest. Anything you wouldn't welcome to you, don't do to others. It's hella simple...
As I dip off to enjoy the Aries Full Moon weekend, allow me to inspire all of you to research the sign Aries and learn about their gr8 and not so gr8 qualities. Challenge yourself to make better feeling choices than you usually do. Use your sacred heart as a compass. Remember, Chiron is in the sign Aries and will be there a while. Now'a great time to learn what that means, to you.
Next week, we'll talk more about the sacred heart and how to access it.
In the meantime, enjoy the weekend and this Lovely video from Ishtar <3
Love n Lite Babes