I Need a Break From My Break
How have you all been? Me? Idk. I have been more focused than I have ever been. Meanwhile, my head is spinning so fast, it's seconds from exploding. They say sometimes we need to fall apart to.come together. That's how I feel.
Before my break, we were rearing up for the New Moon in Virgo, which was at 0°. This was the 0 point energy our souls were waiting on to progress beyond our personal storylines to the authenticity of who we truly are. This has been hella interesting for me.
Usually, I think too much. My thoughts were based on my perception. Which is comprised of my parents DNA and the foods I eat. Mentally, I'm the beast I was created to be. Emotionally, I'm still growing.
I'm paying more attention to my acidic thoughts, which is allowing me to honestly see them as the illusions they are. Dismiss what doesn't serve and continue to journey forward. I have been honest about the times I felt so heavy, I needed to be a cannibal. Eatting meat, like literally rippin the flesh from the bones it was once joined with gave me an outlet for my anger. I enjoy maaad hotsauce, which does look like blood. My eyes get excited as my hands pry the flesh from the bones, dip it in sauce & drop the flesh in my mouth. My teeth rejoce in the meaty texture or chicken, turkey or seafood. Family memories flood my mind. The music blares louder. Laughter grows amongst me & my family. I should feel incredible. Yet somehow, I don't.
My stomach hates this whole process. However, it is necessary. My emotional brain lives in my stomach, where my higher self lives. The acidic food I eat force my stomach & lower 3 chakras to become covered in mucus. The meat I eat ushers in worms, parasites & other entities. My personal disconnect from myself continues. My thoughts become more toxic. Psychic attacks happen. Depression deepens.
No one talks about this. No one even seems to notice. I feel guilty for being observant. My issues were always rooted in my uber sensitive feelings. When I speak my truth aloud to myself or anyone else, I see the silliness in my sensitivities. Thanks to establishing boundaries, I've learned to laugh at life. Before I grew, I was adopting the pain around me as some kind of payback to diminish my guilt. How dare I be upset that whomever forgot to speak to me. Then I'd re-run all the hurtful things those I love most have said about me which validated why whomever could behave so cruel towards me. I was just getting caught up in the illusion of my own fear/shame/guilt. I didn't know how to share this. No one told me. I'm just kinda winging it right now because my soul demands me to.
Because I didn't realize my behaviour was toxic, my cycle of self abuse continued. I was too busy workin and raising children to continuously pay attention. So, I purposefully ignored me & worked tirelessly keeping myself too busy to ever notice. Sometimes, when on one was lookin, I cry myself a river. Like a lil ol baby.
I have been researching the history of cannibalism, which is what meat eating is based on. I have also been researching the history of sex. All of the information I have come across has enriched me so much, I can very easily find peace in my pain these days. Taking in all this info + living life + guiding my babies + balancing myself has left little to no time for anything else. Hence me not having the energy to write out my findings. My bad ya'll .
Of course, while I was learning, I was also eating. My meals reflected the internal loneliness I finally addressed. I'm 36. Been dating 20 years. Had 2 long term relationships. Still, I'm a loner.
I purposefully sought out broken hearted, scorned men, just so I could ensure my personal quiet time and be a part of a couple. My experinces with my 2 BDs was really an excuse to self loathe. As I ate my meat filled meals, I set an intention to dissect my feelings, forgive myself, make peace, release what doesn't serve me and float on.
As a Gemini, floating is my specialty. My natal chart is heavy in Libra, which brings in balance, love, acceptance, unity. I been avoiding facing my fear, shame and guilt because I was clueless as to how to balance pain. Damn near everyone I know runs from their pain. I had to realize pain is just unhealed passion.
Actually, paying attention to my feelings is granting me the permission to be who I authentically, really am. I always sought what I'm currently pursuing (which is love and light, duh 🤦), yet never found. I never found it because I was paying attention to the illusion of my pain. Today, I am innerstanding my sensitive nature, which is guiding me to make peace with all the things that used to break me. All my feelings were rooted in fear, shame and guilt. So that was the energy of my food.
As I ate, I programmed my food to nurture my body and kick out anything that is harmful or goes against my greatest and highest good. I began making healthier food choices. Cooking instead of eating out as much as I had in the weeks prior. I keep a bowl of berries in the fridge. Still drinking my non-dairy milk n herbs and smoothie every rising. I added some kelp to my herbal mixture, providing my body with more copper, which is vital to my O- blood type. Meditation has been getting easier. Still, I have a ways to go. It's been maybe 10 days now. I feel like a whole other being! It all started with simply watching videos and reading documents that educated me about what I was eating and taking in energetically. Then I did at least 1 thing a day that reminded me of my own self worth. The miracle is, I'm sooo in love with myself.
I have thoughts of exercising soon. New Twerk Class dates will be announced soon. Until then, I'll be getting healthy with my family.
All pain is an illusion. 99.9% of all men, women and children world wide have pain. We must decode the pain to reveal the lessona hidden within. The key is remembering whatever we focus on most, we manifest. I am done manifesting unreal realities, then feeling like crap. So, I am being the light I was manifested to be. This week is a MaJoR energy week. Be kind to yourselves. Be kind to each other.
Here are a few links that have kept my busy. I'm currently exploring the Renaissance Era. Enjoy.
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Love n Light Babes